More of my nonsense in my insignificant little corner of the world.

Ugh. This time tomorrow, I should be in my boyfriend's arms. But am I going to be? Nope. I will be in freaking Texas, all alone.

Well, not really all alone, but without him, I might as well be. Before I met him, I felt like I was a whole person and that I could stand on my own. It was always important to me that I didn't feel like I "needed" a man to complete me. But now, it's all different. I can still stand on my own, but I'm very shaky. It's like we became part of each other. I'm going up there on the 8th, thank goodness. My visits to him are what keep me sane and what get me through the day.

Stuff with my dad still sucks. I don't see that getting better, ever.

I'm going to my mom's house this weekend to have "negotiation talks" with her and my stepdad about me moving back for a little while. (Probably only until I can finally go live with the boyfriend.) My mom's all for it. We've been the only consistent thing in each other's lives for the last 20 years, so we're best friends. My stepdad is kinda for it, I think. Yeah, he is the one that kicked me out last time I was there, but I really feel like I'm not myself anymore and I just can't stay here anymore. I've started smoking WAY more, and with my pathetic job, I can't afford to smoke more.

I want to scrapbook some more, but I mostly want to do pages of me and the boyfriend. (Wow, I'm random today.) But when I'm with him, I forget to take pictures, so all the ones I have of us are already used. I've always been like that, though. The only reason I have pictures from prom is because other people took them. Lol. I'm too much of an in-the-moment person to stop having fun and take pictures.

My eating habits are getting screwed up. Somehow, my brain decided that not eating around my dad's whore and her whale of a daughter is revenge. Psh, even I can't explain that one. I'm scared I'm going to lose too much weight. I don't really have enough to lose. And if I drop below 100, I'm gonna to start eating like 2 McDonald's cheeseburgers a day till I get back to a normal weight.

I'm getting better about going to sleep earlier and not sleeping as much, which is definitely good. If I had it my way, I'd sleep the entire time I was home. That's how I ignore everyone.

Ever since I talked to my mom about moving back, I have a hard time looking at my cat. I've actually started tearing up several times. I can't take him with me because my stepdad doesn't like cats, and the pit bull would probably eat him. Then I'd have to beat her, and that would make people mad. My plan, though, is to come get him before I move with the boyfriend. He knows we're a package deal and he's fine with that. He likes cats. :) I don't really know how my dad's gonna react to me taking him, but it's not like anyone here gives a damn about him but me. I don't want to leave my baby here. That's gonna break my heart. :( But I'll keep reminding myself that I'm gonna come back for him as soon as I can.

Anyhoo, I'm gonna eat and go to bed. I've been up late enough as it is and I have a lot ahead of me tomorrow. I gotta admit, I really like this blogging thing. It's more convenient than a diary and it feels really damn good to get everything out.

Ranting, and lots of it.

So I know the title of this entire blog thingy is "Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic," but I've decided today it's gonna be called "Confessions of a Very Pissed off Girl." My blog is my little insignificant corner of the world and it's all mine. I don't give a shit who sees it or who gets offended because if someone feels like anything I say is directed towards them, they probably fucked up bad enough to deserve whatever I day. So here goes:

I resent the fuck out of my dad. He has five children that we know of, not just one son, which is all he pays attention to. Of his five known children, he has one daughter. ONE. Normal dads would be extra-protective of their only daughter. Not mine. When I was younger, he was too fucking drunk to function. Now, he just doesn't give a fuck. The "man" who used to beat my mother and his ex-wife is now the pussy who won't spend time with his only daughter because he's too worried about upsetting his precious youngest son or his cunt "girlfriend." Seriously, Dad? Man the fuck up.

I started school when I was three. THREE YEARS OLD. I did amazingly well and pretty much always had A's. I never got in trouble and my teachers adored the hell out of me. When I was in high school, I got inducted into the National Honor Society. It's kind of a big deal. I had to go to some dumb ceremony and everything. I was the first (and only) of my siblings to be in it. And where was my daddy? At boy scouts with his youngest. A fucking boy scout meeting that he went to EVERY WEEK. Thanks for letting me know you're proud of me, Dad.

When I was little, he cheated on my mom. So one day, my mom and I went to the park he was at with his current whore and her kids. At some point, this bitch told my dad "Choose between her (me, not my mom) or them (her kids.) Guess who left the park that day without her daddy.

When most girls turn 16, there's some kind of party and it's a little bigger of a deal. I'm not an exception to this. I had a big Sweet 16, with a pretty dress, rented a hall, got my hair and makeup done, all that. Again, where was my daddy? Didn't show up. To this day, he swears it's because my mom told him not to go. HELLO, IT'S MY PARTY, YOU IDIOT.

I graduated high school when I was seventeen. I hadn't been pregnant, arrested, or had an STD. I graduated with fucking honors. Where was my fucking daddy for that? Oh, that's right, not fucking there. He's come up with two excuses for that one. First, he was mad because I told him I was only giving him ONE ticket, so only he could come. He told me his fucking whore would be upset and her feelings would be hurt. Then, he blamed it on my mom. Again. Am I sensing a pattern here?

And most recently, I found out KISS was going to be playing near where I live. I wanted to buy him a ticket (just one for him) and one for myself so we could finally do something and have some kind of father-daughter bond, since I love KISS, but have never seen them live. Again, he had two excuses. First, he didn't want to be around a bunch of rednecks. Ok, that right there just proves how dumb he is. Second, he said he wanted to take his precious youngest son. Thanks so much for the slap in the face.

I've come to the conclusion that I have daddy issues, but not like some girls. I don't jump into a guy's bed because he takes care of me or treats me better than my dad ever has. I realized I had these issues when a guy I was seeing asked me to call him "Daddy" in bed. Ha. He got a "fuck you" and I left.

I've grown accustomed to the fact that my dad doesn't give a shit about me and I'm ok with that. Once I leave, I'm fucking GONE, for good. I can honestly say I'm sure he'll never meet my future husband and will sure as hell never see my future kids. I don't want them to feel what I felt.

Anyhoo, that's the end of my rant. If you read it, awesome. If not, meh.